I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.