@psybermonkey: Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I'm sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
@psybermonkey: Cop: you're under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
@psybermonkey: [First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don't sleep with him, I will
@psybermonkey: [Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty's dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see...*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
@psybermonkey: Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: Hi you look uglier online
@psybermonkey: In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
@psybermonkey: Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That's not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a "yeah" or a dishonest excuse
@psybermonkey: "Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it."
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
@psybermonkey: Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn't made one in weeks. I think we're going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I'm plate