Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of psybermonkey's best tweets

@psybermonkey : Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@psybermonkey: Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@psybermonkey: Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

@psybermonkey: Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@psybermonkey: Dr: I'm sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that's where the morgue is

@psybermonkey: [Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK...the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

@psybermonkey: Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

@psybermonkey: [Deli]

Me: can I get a children's sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

@psybermonkey: Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I'm sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

@psybermonkey: Cop: you're under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy