@psybermonkey: Me: *destroys spider web
Me: *puts up fake spider web
@psybermonkey: Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
@psybermonkey: Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
@psybermonkey: Dr: I'm sorry. we lost her
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Dr: that's where the morgue is
@psybermonkey: [Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK...the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
@psybermonkey: Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: can I get a children's sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
@psybermonkey: Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I'm sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
@psybermonkey: Cop: you're under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: better floss before drowning this guy