Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of psybermonkey's best tweets

@psybermonkey : [7 minutes in heaven] Me: so, I've never made out with anyone before, have you? We don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I'm rambling now aren't I. Sorry, I'm just nervous haha Jesus: you've been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@psybermonkey: Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: ...what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@psybermonkey: Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@psybermonkey: Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@psybermonkey: Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

@psybermonkey: Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@psybermonkey: Dr: I'm sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that's where the morgue is

@psybermonkey: [Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK...the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

@psybermonkey: Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

@psybermonkey: [Deli]

Me: can I get a children's sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this