Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of psybermonkey's best tweets

@psybermonkey : Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother. Her: why does it say "do not resuscitate"

@psybermonkey: [Afterlife]

"I died in WW2 fighting nazis"

"I died in Syria fighting terrorists"

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

@psybermonkey: Me: thanks for the invite but I'm really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it's a search party for my missing wife

@psybermonkey: Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

@psybermonkey: Duolingo

[1 day]
You forgot to practice

[1 week]
We miss you

[1 month]
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin

@psybermonkey: [Dinner table]

Son: no! I don't wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don't ya?

Son: ...yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

@psybermonkey: Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don't have all goddamn night

@psybermonkey: *watches Charlotte's Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy...
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

@psybermonkey: [Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

@psybermonkey: Me: I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn't going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You're right...*dials number*
Mom, you're going to die *hangs up*