"I died in WW2 fighting nazis"
"I died in Syria fighting terrorists"
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
@psybermonkey: Me: thanks for the invite but I'm really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it's a search party for my missing wife
@psybermonkey: Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
@psybermonkey: [Dinner table]
Son: no! I don't wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don't ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
@psybermonkey: Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don't have all goddamn night
@psybermonkey: *watches Charlotte's Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy...
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
@psybermonkey: [Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
@psybermonkey: Me: I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn't going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You're right...*dials number*
Mom, you're going to die *hangs up*