“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Cool shirt 🙂
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.