Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.