So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
me and who
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.