When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
They’re stuck in your pants?
Me :
All Day At Night
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…