“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
What the hell is going on?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
💯😂
went fishing caught a bass
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.