Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Social Media and Real life
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Knock Knock
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?