Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of qwertying's best tweets

@qwertying : Husband: How about a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

@qwertying: My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition.

He suggest a coat hanger.

I said we’re a few years too late for that.

@qwertying: I bet you $4,567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

@qwertying: Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?

Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?

@qwertying: Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@qwertying: Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.

I hate walking into spiderwebs...

@qwertying: When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@qwertying: I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive.

@qwertying: I hate people who say 'Age is just a number' — Age is clearly a word.

@qwertying: I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.