medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.