@qwertying: My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition.
He suggest a coat hanger.
I said we’re a few years too late for that.
@qwertying: Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?
Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
@qwertying: Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.
Wife: [sends text] WTF!
Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
@qwertying: Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.
I hate walking into spiderwebs...
@qwertying: I could never cheat in a relationship,
That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
@qwertying: I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.