Funny Tweeter

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Page of rachelle_mandik's best tweets

@rachelle_mandik : i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

@rachelle_mandik: A bathroom fixture is knocking at your door.

Just let that sink in.

@rachelle_mandik: him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

@rachelle_mandik: {first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What's your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh...William?

@rachelle_mandik: ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

@rachelle_mandik: i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

@rachelle_mandik: most german shepherds don't know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@rachelle_mandik: a kid i met insisted she visited the "vampire state building" and i couldn't bring myself to correct her

@rachelle_mandik: Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, "HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?"

@rachelle_mandik: CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it's goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d