Funny Tweeter

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Page of rachelle_mandik's best tweets

@rachelle_mandik : i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

@rachelle_mandik: i'm teaching my toddler that cauliflower is "frightened broccoli" and there is nothing you can do about it

@rachelle_mandik: emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i've made a horrible mistake.

@rachelle_mandik: the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

@rachelle_mandik: i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

@rachelle_mandik: A bathroom fixture is knocking at your door.

Just let that sink in.

@rachelle_mandik: him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

@rachelle_mandik: {first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What's your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh...William?

@rachelle_mandik: ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—