They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Aight bet
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Leaving the Barbers like
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.