In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 馃檹
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don鈥檛 have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we鈥檙e just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it鈥檚 making all my lights turn on and off
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.