Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
You Might Also Like
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
This is what makes twitter great
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops