I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Well, this explains it:
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”