Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Steam Forums
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Room with a view.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo