– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
This meeting could have been a cake
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
#inspiration #foodforthought
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.