Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I’m not lazy
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.