I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Ah..makes sense now
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy