Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ranndrew's best tweets

@ranndrew : "How much do you love me?" Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know

@ranndrew: "Thats a killer dirt bike you've got, man!"
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me...I know.

@ranndrew: [Job Interview]
"It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?"

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

"Holy shit! When can you start?!"

@ranndrew: "I have no porpoise!" -existential marine biologist.

@ranndrew: "How'd the date go?"
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

@ranndrew: Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.

@ranndrew: I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.