Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.