Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced