My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
You Might Also Like
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?