I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Realize this:
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE