Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m aging like a fine banana
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.