This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
they really do be looking like this
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.