I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child