If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]