@realHamOnWry: If you're lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.
@realHamOnWry: The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It's called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
@realHamOnWry: My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that's why they're still married...they never turn them on.
@realHamOnWry: There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
@realHamOnWry: After I die I want the words, 'Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment' engraved on my urn.
@realHamOnWry: Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.
Her: But it's 20 below zero outside.
Me: I had mitts.
Her: Are you crazy?
@realHamOnWry: 73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you're dancing.
@realHamOnWry: What did I learn getting fired today?
Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, "Hey, you've got a hole in your haircut".
@realHamOnWry: *unexpected snow fall*
Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”
Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket"