@realHamOnWry: Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.
@realHamOnWry: Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.
@realHamOnWry: Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.
@realHamOnWry: Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You're acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs...you’re the one who thinks I'm talking.
@realHamOnWry: What did I learn today?
Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
@realHamOnWry: Cell phones are like babies now ... except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.
@realHamOnWry: My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.
@realHamOnWry: As you grow older you'll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don't worry ... it's just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.