@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Reloading my bong
Cat: You really need it?
Me: I know my limits, why?
Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?
@realHamOnWry: Tattoos are like babies. You don't dare tell the truth and say they're ugly.
@realHamOnWry: The human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.
@realHamOnWry: If you're lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.
@realHamOnWry: The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It's called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
@realHamOnWry: My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that's why they're still married...they never turn them on.
@realHamOnWry: There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
@realHamOnWry: After I die I want the words, 'Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment' engraved on my urn.