I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer