Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of realHamOnWry's best tweets

@realHamOnWry : As you grow older you'll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don't worry ... it's just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.

@realHamOnWry: Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@realHamOnWry: If my mom had her own music genre it would be heavy meddle.

@realHamOnWry: [Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I'm 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You're hired!

@realHamOnWry: I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.

@realHamOnWry: Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.

@realHamOnWry: Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@realHamOnWry: Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.

@realHamOnWry: My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.

@realHamOnWry: I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I'm calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.