@realHamOnWry: I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.
@realHamOnWry: I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.
@realHamOnWry: I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.
@realHamOnWry: Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.
@realHamOnWry: Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.
@realHamOnWry: Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.
@realHamOnWry: Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You're acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs...you’re the one who thinks I'm talking.
@realHamOnWry: What did I learn today?
Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.