Funny Tweeter

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Page of realHamOnWry's best tweets

@realHamOnWry : The human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

@realHamOnWry: If you're lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.

@realHamOnWry: The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It's called Jack-It-In-The-Box.

@realHamOnWry: My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that's why they're still married...they never turn them on.

@realHamOnWry: There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@realHamOnWry: After I die I want the words, 'Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment' engraved on my urn.

@realHamOnWry: Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.

Her: But it's 20 below zero outside.

Me: I had mitts.

Her: Are you crazy?

Me: No...Canadian.

@realHamOnWry: 73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you're dancing.

@realHamOnWry: What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, "Hey, you've got a hole in your haircut".

@realHamOnWry: *unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket"