@realHamOnWry: Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.
Her: But it's 20 below zero outside.
Me: I had mitts.
Her: Are you crazy?
@realHamOnWry: 73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you're dancing.
@realHamOnWry: What did I learn getting fired today?
Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, "Hey, you've got a hole in your haircut".
@realHamOnWry: *unexpected snow fall*
Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”
Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket"
@realHamOnWry: As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.
@realHamOnWry: My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
@realHamOnWry: Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.