@realHamOnWry: Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.
@realHamOnWry: [Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I'm 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You're hired!
@realHamOnWry: I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
@realHamOnWry: Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.
@realHamOnWry: Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.
Me: *Opens sun roof*
@realHamOnWry: Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.
@realHamOnWry: My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.
@realHamOnWry: I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I'm calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.