@realHamOnWry: Cell phones are like babies now ... except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.
@realHamOnWry: My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.
@realHamOnWry: As you grow older you'll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don't worry ... it's just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.
@realHamOnWry: Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.
@realHamOnWry: [Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I'm 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You're hired!
@realHamOnWry: I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
@realHamOnWry: Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.
@realHamOnWry: Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.
Me: *Opens sun roof*