Funny Tweeter

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Page of realHamOnWry's best tweets

@realHamOnWry : After I die I want the words, 'Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment' engraved on my urn.

@realHamOnWry: Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.

Her: But it's 20 below zero outside.

Me: I had mitts.

Her: Are you crazy?

Me: No...Canadian.

@realHamOnWry: 73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you're dancing.

@realHamOnWry: What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, "Hey, you've got a hole in your haircut".

@realHamOnWry: *unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket"

@realHamOnWry: As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.

@realHamOnWry: My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

@realHamOnWry: Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

@realHamOnWry: I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.