me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
a lot to unpack here
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.