I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
A man of commitment.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.