wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*has no idea what a book even is*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
You got this…
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life