me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
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Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.