Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away