Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of rebrafsim's best tweets

@rebrafsim : Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

@rebrafsim: Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

@rebrafsim: [date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@rebrafsim: Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

@rebrafsim: [pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

@rebrafsim: [vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

@rebrafsim: If you carve a pumpkin in September it’s called premature ejackolantern I won’t be taking questions

@rebrafsim: Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant...
Me: your problem

@rebrafsim: Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

@rebrafsim: Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?