Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of rebrafsim's best tweets

@rebrafsim : Him: do you believe in miracles? Her: well you're here, aren't you? Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that's— Her: *under breath* and I've been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

@rebrafsim: Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

@rebrafsim: Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

@rebrafsim: [leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

@rebrafsim: Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

@rebrafsim: Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

@rebrafsim: [sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

@rebrafsim: Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

@rebrafsim: [plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

@rebrafsim: [reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry