If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?