“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
This checks out
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Holy shit he’s back
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that