Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.