8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
White parent Vs Arab parents
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The asteroid..
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*