If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Coffee is ready.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.