PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The dark side of Canada
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke