Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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The Joker was right
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point