“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.