I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
No, he would not have.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.