Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
You Might Also Like
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
m’lady
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
how to have an accident 101
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Breaking news:
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.