I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
You Might Also Like
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.