My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills