I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
TWEET CALL
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Name this drama.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.