I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Autocarrot sucks!
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Lmao
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.