@rickolantern: My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
@rickolantern: [making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don't really do anything other than sting people
God: We're running out of college mascots
@rickolantern: A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn't recognize it when it's wearing horn rimmed glasses
@rickolantern: My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
@rickolantern: The baby changing station in this Chili's bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
@rickolantern: I'll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
@rickolantern: I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.
@rickolantern: When you're on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
@rickolantern: *buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac