a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.